Last night at the Town Hall book talk & signing event with Kate, a woman asked us to share on the subject of forgiveness.
Today, I still find myself thinking about it.
Did I answer her with complete honesty? What is this thing called forgiveness and what is my relationship to it?
When I met Kate, I didn’t feel like the major issue at hand was for me to forgive her. To forgive her would have meant that she had done something to hurt me. But I was actually happy that I had been adopted. I adored my parents and would not have wanted it any other way. I truly still feel this. I think it was my great fortune and blessing that I met my mother and father…. in fact I often feel that it was really a choice that my Soul had made and it wasn’t going to be any other way. I mean if you consider the fact that first I was meant to be Kate’s child, then I was meant to be some other lady’s child of Kate’s choice, but somehow stars crossed and I ended up in Watertown Massachusetts with Bob & Beverly Gaudette, I think we can say for certain that this was no coincidence.
However, as time passed and I began to know Kate, there became many things I felt like I had to forgive her for. Why did she say this, why did she do that? I was very oversensitive in my relationship with her. I was easily hurt. She was a person who could really make or break my heart for a long time. So, I think the forgiving process began then – it unraveled as our relationship did.
And that’s why I love our relationship so much. The relationship itself is like a bird covered in tar and bound in chains. As times passes, one by one we are releasing those chains and cleaning off that tar. It feels like our relationship is getting ready to fly now. To experience this healing process really makes my heart sing.
But what does it all come down to really? My teacher often says, “There is no one and nothing to forgive.” What does that mean? As the years pass and I continue to reflect on it, I have come to feel that the only person to forgive is myself.
I must forgive myself for the hurts that I impose on myself. I can fool myself for a while that it was someone else who did something to me, but that really gets me nowhere. I must love and forgive myself all day long for any small and big stories that come up and take over my mind. I am learning how to do this even now in this moment.
Kate and I have done a tremendous amount of work. It’s such a beautiful thing. However, I still have a person in my life who I need to forgive, who is like a thorn in my heart. I am not completely free from this. But when I look at it honestly, it’s really that I just have to forgive myself more. I have to be o.k. with me – all of me – and then I can easily be o.k. with others. I think this is the only hope for human relationships in our world.
Let’s just look at the word itself! For-give. For giving. We need to seek to give love, not seek to get it. That has been a huge realization for me. The more I seek to get love, the more I suffer and the more I need to “forgive.” Because, I might get love for a little while, but it will be fleeting. Everything is. Once that love, attention, energy is gone, I can feel pain again. On the other hand, when I just seek to give love first, I feel happy. I feel truly happy and fulfilled and I don’t need anything at all. At that time I feel the love of Heaven and Earth and it is the greatest love of all. I am content, like a flower in the sun, like a star twinkling alone in the sky.
I strive to deepen my capacity to love and forgive myself. I am interested in harmony. The thorn in my heart is like the oyster that grinds this pearl of love inside. My love will be that much more shinier in the end! I have certainly experienced this with Kate and truly believe in the great power it could have over the human race if we could all just take a moment to go within, embrace ourselves, and breathe the comfort of love and acceptance back into the world.