I am reading a book called “The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child.”
It is the first piece of literature I have ever read on adoption. That fact alone seems kind of odd to me but I just think the subject is too close to home and that’s why I’ve stayed away from it. I mean, even while watching Kungfu Panda 3 last night with my housemates they were all laughing and I was shouting inside my mind, “But the goose is your real father! Don’t leave him Panda!!” Ah ~ I clearly still have a lot more processing to do 🙂
And this book has shown that to me every step of the way. At first I would get so angry while reading it. So angry. And I would have to keep putting it down, telling myself that I should probably stop reading it. I had a strong reaction to the author, her viewpoints on biological parents vs. adoptive parents, and I was uncomfortable with the feeling that labels were being put on me.
Then, I dug a little deeper. I could clearly see that some of my “stuff” was being stimulated. I went inside with some guidance and tried to face it head on. What I discovered was quite profound.
I felt my primal wound. It is the weakening – extreme weakening – of the Self that happened from the energetic severance of my mother at birth. I realized that this is a shadow I have lived with all of my life, and that I have spent a lot of energy trying to fight with that shadow. It was extremely healing and liberating to simply stop the fight. I was able to embrace it in that moment and I felt an integration with myself that is hard to describe, but it felt like a healing and recovery of my own root.
In addition to the wound, I discovered a protective armor that I formed at the age of one day old. An armor that said to the world, “Well, it looks like I’m on my own. If my mother doesn’t want me then I’ll just have to mother myself.” And this protective shell has been with me ever since. It gives me strength and it also strangles me. It created a survival mode over-drive inside of me that has caused many hindrances to living my life.
I was happy to meet this armor as well. Upon meeting it, it now has less control over me. My mentor always used to tell me, “To know yourself is to heal yourself”. I could really feel it in the last few weeks.
After that, reading the book became easier. I still felt anger coming up but it was very specific anger towards Kate – an anger that seems to live in my bones. But when I would calmly direct my attention to it then it would start to lift, like dust clearing, and suddenly I would find myself shifting from anger to compassion in my heart.
Now, I am enjoying the book quite a bit. I am finding that there are some things I resonate strongly with, which give me good insight and understanding into myself – kind of like putting the picture together. Then, there are also things I don’t resonate with at all. And that’s ok. There is a calmness about my attitude now, which I am grateful for, although I know it is still a very sensitive topic for me.
I am trying to decide if I recommend this book for other adoptees. Honestly, it has been a lot of work for me and I don’t know if it would actually be helpful for others who may not be interested in doing that work, so I can’t say that I do for now. However, I definitely recommend it for adoptive parents or anyone in a relationship with an adopted person. You may have many aha moments!
Healing, although painful, is joyful for me. I believe that healing myself is healing the world. As I begin to write my own book I feel like I am stepping into another whole level of that process. And I can only pray that if the book is ever published someday that it would bring much hope to my fellow adoptees who suffer from this same primal wound.