Totally Kate

It’s been over one year now since Kate’s book, “Born With Teeth” came out, and she was in Seattle for the book tour.  There is a funny Youtube video from the evening of the talk that a student of mine shared with me on Facebook. It makes me laugh every time I watch it….

I really enjoyed being able to sit next to Kate and answer questions about our relationship that night. I found it to be very healing for me.  With Kate, it’s such a  sensitive relationship.  It’s a short distance to feeling a huge kind of healing that I cannot explain in words, and it is also a short distance to feeling hurt in a way that no one else can trigger. That is the mini-minefield that we are always navigating our way through when we see each other.

I think we do it pretty well 🙂

We had the opportunity to do it again a couple of weeks ago. It was my first visit with her since the night of this book talk.  She visited me here in Seattle and we had a day and half of cozy relaxation and catch-up time.  She turned to me at dinner on the last night of the visit and said, “You’re not unlike me. You like a good talk, a good kiss, a good movie, a good glass of wine…” In my head I fully agreed with her and added to the list, “and a good dinner, a good bath, a good nap, a good cup of tea…”

What can we say? Although we are different in so many ways, we are Tauruses.  And I’m really glad that when Kate comes to visit me, that she can take time amidst her super busy schedule to really Taurus it up.

Of course, there was some mine-field navigating going on as well, but it’s getting easier the more I heal my relationship with myself.  After all, that is the key to healing any relationship, isn’t it?  One has to first come to deeply understand oneself, and then everything begins to change.  Although I have dedicated my life to this kind of inner work, I continue to develop it and upgrade it all the time. In fact, I often have the feeling that I have just begun!  In the last year, I have done a tremendous amount of work on my inner wounds relative to my adoption and have made significant headway.  It showed up so clearly again when I was with Kate this time and I left feeling so very proud of myself.

Because, in the end, neither me or Kate ever want to cause hurt to each other. We love each other very much.  And we wish to make each other happy.  But we have our own perspectives, our own lives, our stories, memories and wounds hiding within us that don’t always allow what we want to happen to be manifest in reality.  The more I come to accept mine (perspectives, stories, memories, wounds), the more I accept hers.  Judgement then turns into compassion, and this is the key of healing.  One just simply needs to pay attention to see it as it’s happening….so that we don’t accidentally fall into the hole in our sidewalks 🙂

This takes endless practice and this last visit I could see once again how practice really pays off.  I am committed more than ever to keep practicing, keep healing and keep being patiently grateful for the process.

 

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22 Thoughts.

  1. Thank you Danielle for sharing your recent experience and ongoing effort’s for healing and wholeness in the relationship with your birth mother, Kate. This next statement may sound depressing but in reality I think it is a hopeful one. I experienced and continued working on insight, understanding, and healing with my mother even after her physical death. Perhaps you experienced this after the death of your adoptive mother? Yes our mothers have the capacity to wound us terribly and love us totally. They leave an indelible mark on our psyche.
    Ever Fondly, Charlene

    • Hi Charlene! No, I don’t think it sounds depressing at all 🙂 I think it’s a really good thing if one keeps doing much needed healing work even after someone has passed. In fact, I have had some students over the years who feel that their healing process can’t really begin until their parents are deceased due to the nature of the relationship. For me, my healing with my adoptive mother happened deeply and intensively after I began my practice. I worked on it for years and years and released so much that I feel like I really got to the bottom of it back then. For years before my mother died I felt so much more lightness, love and compassion around my relationship with her then I had felt previously in my life. So I think that’s also another reason why I have more space to do the work that still needs to be done now with my birth mother, which is another whole can of worms entirely :))

  2. Dear Danielle,
    (I know, long time no see..)
    The first thought that came to my mind was the similar feeling I have with my dad. There is no obvious history or event that makes our relationship as it is. It’s just the way we are (and probably both having a lot in common). The thought that came to me was:
    The people that are most important to us, from whom we need love and acknowledgement the most, whom we need and love the most, whose actions and words stir up the most extreme feelings in ourselves, … are the people whom we have the most complicated relationships with, with whom we “collide” the most, with whom a great deal of the conversations is like walking on eggs (through a minefield).
    Yes it’s hard.. and difficult.. exasperating and tiresome.
    But… It’s also the most rewarding, most heart-warming, most acknowledging and most loving when it does work out.
    I think I’m the kind of person who has the most difficult and challenging relationships with the people I feel the strongest for, whom I hold “dearest”. As if I want proof how much they love me. And in a way “are worthy of me”..
    Maybe it’s not right, not fair.. I think it’s a way of protecting myself from heartache and rejection.
    Thank you for posting the lovely pictures of you and Kate. I especially like the one with Kate looking out of the window. I think it’s a very honest picture, unguarded. That’s what made it so touching for me. First because I think we should all be less guarded sometimes (but can’t afford it in the world of today), second because it’s a sign of trust towards the people they are with.
    It’s refreshing to have affirmation that the people I look up to, are just as vulnerable and insecure as we all are. It helps me to let people off their pedestal (where I put them).
    So, thank you. And it’s so very good, heart-warming and hopeful that you’re feet are more and more firmly planted on the road you travel (to healing, to inner work and to understanding oneself and the other).

    Love Yvonne

    • Hello Yvonne! Yes ~ very long time no see!! It’s good to hear from you 🙂 I’m glad that you could relate to the post and it was helpful in some way….and I’m glad you like that picture! Yes, when we are together we are very comfortable so I always enjoy that. Life’s journey is interesting and all of the people in it are there to help us grow 🙂

  3. All is very well 😀
    Got a job, I feel usefull, happy and peacefull.
    Walking my own path and taking the time to look around me, see where I am and see where I want to go.
    Found confidence.. and pride.
    The strange thing is, it all feel so normal, so “as it should be”. It doesn’t feel as if I accomplished something (which I did!). The people around me now complement me about how I am handling things, and that feels so well. Although it’s not easy to let those compliments “in”.
    Thought about you in yogaclass, felt good 🙂

    • I’m so glad that you are doing well Yvonne! It all sounds really great!! Thank you for all the good news updates!!

  4. Wanted to share with all of you jere, maybe give a sparkle of hope, positivity or at least a smile to someone.
    Learning lately I can not fix, take away or solve the pain, sadness or anxiety of people I care about. I can only be there, and listen (and share).
    So this one is especially for you, Charlene, Taya and Robin. And everyone else who reads and needs it: I give it wholehartedly for free ❤️💛💙💜💚❤️
    Love,
    Yvonne

  5. I remember this! I was dying of laughter and I still do every single time I watch it. All of the things Kate said you love on the last night of her trip, I love as well, including the things you added in your thoughts. I find that Scorpio and Taurus are not on opposite ends of the spectrum but rather coincide with each other. I am very much like you and Kate which I find rather creepy. Not creepy in the “Oh my God, that’s scary” sense, but creepy in the “Whoa…Holy crap” sense.

    As for me, I am still dealing with the shunt pain which seems to have plateaued staying at a steady 7 (knock on wood, don’t want to jinx it). However my neurosurgeon is still wary of course and wants me to keep an eye on it still as now I have to watch the symptoms and see if there are any changes. I have still had to have ER trips and things but it’s not anything I’m not used to. Over the past 2 years I have had to go to the ER many times within the span of a month or 2.

    I’m glad you like the photos my sister and I took of each other. Our whole family is into photography.

    • Yes, I think Taurus and Scorpio’s have much in common Taya 🙂 I’m so glad to hear from you. I’m still sending tons of Life Particles and Love your way ~!

  6. This post was a bright spot in a week of so much horrific tragedy in Florida and around the world. It really warmed my heart to read about your story of love and endurance. I admire your fortitude. I got a good laugh from the video as well:)

    • I’m glad it provided that light for you Beth. I know, I literally hit “publish” on this post Sunday afternoon and then opened Facebook to discover the news about the Orlando shooting. I was out for the count for the rest of the day. Had I checked Facebook first, I don’t think there would have been a blog post :/ I’m really happy to know that it had a positive impact. It must have happened in such an order for a reason ~ 🙂 Let’s keep shining our small lights until…someday…we can chase away the darkness.

  7. Danielle,
    I thoroughly enjoy reading the posts in which you discuss your relationship with Kate. We all have a learning process with our struggles, and to see you so open and wanting to find a peace within yourself is awe inspiring. I recently found out that my mother actually did want to give me up for adoption(my mother was 20 when she had me) but my grandmother refused to let her. Finding this out at 25 was difficult and brought on negative feelings and a different light toward my mother that I previously had not had. To read about your struggles, strengths, and moments of “I am still learning” are all beautiful and give me a certain confidence that I, maybe, one day will be at peace with what I now know as well.

    • It’s so nice to meet you Chrystal! I am so glad that you have gained some strength from my story. I know it’s not easy! I am certain that you can and will gain that peace if you really deeply choose to and set your intention for it, and never give up on that intention 🙂 Thank you so much for reaching out! I hope the blog continues to support you in your quest for that peace.

  8. Hi Danielle – I am a fellow adult adoptee that just devoured your birth mother’s book in a few days last week, and as a result found this blog as I searched for any perspective from Kate’ birth daughter Danielle Gaudette. I sent you a brief FB message already, but just wanted to thank you so much for openly talking about your anger that surfaced, specifically towards your birth mother, as this has helped me to get more in touch and given me encouragememt to express my anger more openly. I really hope you continue to try and write a book, as I think it will benefit many! I applaude both you and Kate for your efforts at reconciliation, honesty, forgivenes, and willingness to be vulnerable and share your stories with others! Can’t wait to read Your book! Blessings to you!

    • Hi Karen! I’m so glad that the story has given you strength and encouragement! Have you been aware of your anger for a long time or just recently? I checked Facebook but didn’t see your message. Perhaps you should send a friend request first and then I will be able to see. Thank you for encouraging me as well in regards to my book 🙂 I’m happy to meet you here! Best wishes~

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