As an adoptee, trust is a huge giant issue for me. It shows up in every single aspect of my life. I have come to discover “trust issues” rearing their ugly head with everything from myself, to others, to my body, to my environment, to the world.
In her most recent comment on Healing Tree, Yvonne posed the question, “How can I trust myself?” That’s a very good question, and not an easy one to answer. I have found that if you try so hard to trust yourself, it’s kind of like staring into a dark hole that just keeps appearing more and more hopeless and impossible, the more you look. The darkness can be enveloping. You cannot find the answer there. Instead, you just keep fighting with your feeling and the feeling keeps growing bigger.
The only thing that we can do in those moments is to use all of our strength to recognize that the darkness is not me. The hopelessness is not me. And the feeling of lack of trust is also not me. This means, it’s not the truth of me. In fact, it’s not the truth at all, it’s just a feeling that I have inside. It’s just a feeling. Feelings are like clouds. They come, they go. They get really black and fierce, then eventually they disperse, and the light of the sun is revealed again. The light of truth. If we are simply patient, if we give it time, if we recognize it for what it really is, the light will always be seen again.
Please recognize that it’s not that you don’t trust yourself, or others, or whatever the untrusting issue at hand may be. It’s just that you have a feeling of lack of trust inside of you. Again, this is just a feeling, this is not who you really are, nor does it have to be your reality. The reality is, you are a bright shining sun and the clouds of distrust are just covering you temporarily.
Try to feel it in your body. Get really familiar with the actual sensations of distrust. Calm your mind and steady your breathing as you examine and observe these sensations in your body. When you do that, you detach yourself from being lost in the stormy clouds, and now you are just observing them with some distance. You can take a good look at your feeling of distrust, and that is when you have made some separation from it. That is very important! It may even be just a momentary separation before you are sucked back into the the whirlwind of darkness that is the feeling of not trusting oneself and one’s surroundings. But, even that moment is powerful for you. Recognize and appreciate it. It’s from that moment that you are on the slow and steady path to gaining some degree of controllability and mastership over the debilitating feeling of self-doubt.
This has been my experience with it. In practicing this, it has lead to a reduced feeling of anxiety inside, less irrational fears, improved relationships with loved ones, more feeling of freedom and happiness, an empowered ability to make healthier choices, and a sense of maturity in overcoming the threatened child within.
And beyond all of that, it has helped me to connect again more quickly and more deeply with my soul – my true essence – which always brings a sense of healing and peace to my heart. It leaves me with a sense of “inner knowing” that there is the me inside who is always with me, always watching me and can never be injured by a lack of trust. In fact, it feels as if this true nature is trust itself, or at least it is a presence that is void of doubt. It is just Beingness.
The work that we have to do is to put in the effort to diligently practice making this separation, to increase the amount of time that we are able to feel our true, pure, original nature. Then we don’t have to try to trust ourselves anymore, because naturally we come to trust that we can handle any feeling, any stormy clouds that come our way. And that is enough.
In simple summary, don’t try to trust yourself. Try to become really aware of the sensations in your body when you are in self-doubt or any untrusting moment. Feel it. Separate from it. And slowly you will realize that the self who is able to do this, is a part of yourself that always has been and always will be existing in a place that is beyond the duality of trust and doubt.
Yvonne, I hope this is helpful for you 🙂