I’ve been watching myself these days.
I’ve been taking time to sink into some of my repetitive emotional reactions that I notice rising up. I’ve been going for a deeper dive to search for solutions within me.
It’s been an enlightening experience.
For instance, the other day I was sitting at the kitchen table eating breakfast when my phone pinged. I looked down to see the text and became aware that the heat of anger was rising up to my head. “Woah,” I thought to myself, “this is a strong reaction to be having at 8am. I need to work on this feeling.”
So, right there at the breakfast table, I sat quietly and tried to feel into my heart. Calmly and without judgment, I sank directly into the center of my anger. What I found there was a feeling of hate. Now, I know it’s a bit of a risk for me to say that here, because some people may judge me as being evil or something. However, I don’t think that having the feeling of hate inside makes me evil or bad in any way. In fact, I think it just makes me human. I believe that we all have these kinds of dark and heavy feelings lurking in the depths of us, and when they go un-cleaned and un-processed, they cause bigger problems in our lives.
So, I allowed myself to sink into the center of my hate. And when I did that, I discovered that the root of my hate came from my hurt. A while back I had felt hurt by the person who was texting me, and I had not properly cleaned up that hurt, and that’s why I was being so reactive at the sight of the text. I thought, perhaps this is the root of all of the hate and anger in this world – unprocessed hurt. Hurt that one is not able to own. It’s my hurt, just like it’s my hate and my anger. It’s my choice to hurt. And suddenly I thought about my texter. She too probably had hurt deep inside of her own heart. And perhaps that’s where the problem between us began. Once I honestly and completely allowed myself to feel this, suddenly my hurt transformed into a sense of empathy, and I felt my heart filling up with compassion. I felt lighter and a sense of brightness, and I was able to live an enjoyable day with greater sense of compassion as I interacted with the world. I enjoyed that moment, knowing that my feelings may come back again, but that I had made some significant headway on them.
Then again, as expected, more recently I found myself sinking into another uncomfortable feeling. As I let my awareness drop in, I discovered the feeling of hate again. “Aha hate, I know you!” I thought. “I already know that you are just a product of my hurt, so let me find where I am hurting and face it.” So I did just that. I bravely felt into the center of my hurt. It wasn’t easy, as I found the energy to be so very tight and dark and lacking. This lack was what was causing the pain in my heart. So I tried to enter into the lack and found that this was the place inside of me that was void of love. A place where I did not allow love in. A place where I starved myself of my own love. Ah ~ all hurt comes from a lack of love, a place where I do not love myself! As I realized this fully, a sense of unconditional love opened inside my heart, like the morning sunlight shining in as the curtain is slowly being drawn.
Finally, I faced my hurt head on and found that it was this everlasting love that I was ignoring, that was at the bottom of all of my hurts. The Love was always there, waiting for me to choose it. Not the love from somebody else, but my own self-existent love. It was there waiting for me to feel it in every breath, in every blue sky, in every person’s heart. What a beautiful Love it is! And it is my Love. It’s my Love to feel and share. All the times in my life that I had suffered, it was because I had closed the door on that Love and was left shivering in the darkness of the lack. Suddenly it all became so seemingly easy. All I have to do is choose my Love. Over and over and over again. Until it is a new habit.
Even when I feel hurt by another, if I look deeply, I can see that it was born from my love and care of that person and my interpretation that somehow they were not loving me back in the same way. That too was also just my perception and my story. The truth at the bottom is that I have loved them, and that I have a great and bright and warm Love within me. The most important point is not what they did or have but that I recognize my own precious Love that lives inside of me.
I found this discovery to be very very good news. It brought me hope and peace. All of the people of my life danced through my mind and I felt my pure love for each of them. But most importantly, I felt it for myself. Not like, “Oh Danielle, I love you.” But more like, at the fibers of my being, I AM LOVE ITSELF. And nothing can take that away from me. Unless I choose to let it. So I declared to myself that from now on I will pay more attention, I will put more effort. I will be more awake.
Moment by moment. Day by day. I choose Love.