Once again, it’s been too long. I would have liked to have written sooner, by I was consumed by my life and especially consumed by the time it has taken to work on my book. I feel like I have abandoned my blog and all of you, and that makes me sad. I myself despise to be abandoned – I have all sorts of issues with it – and I never like to see myself doing to others what I don’t like done to me.
However, as with all feelings, hurts, wounds, emotions, it’s better to just face my feeling. If I allow myself to feel the pain completely, I can move past it more quickly. It’s when I want to avoid my pain (of being abandoned, of abandoning others, of any and all hurtful emotions), that the pain chases me. As I get older and my practice deepens, I find myself more and more tired of running. Rather than living a life that is tangled up and discolored by the dramas I create, I’d rather just live life as it is. It feels more fulfilling that way, although the pleasure is different than the pleasure of the drama. The energy I get from the excitement of reacting to my emotions is akin to eating cookies – so satisfying and delicious for a moment, but if I eat too much, I feel sick. I can’t live a healthy life on the diet of cookies. The energy I get from disengaging in the emotional intensity of the drama, the chase, is far less exciting. The energy from facing the moment is akin to eating vegetables: less thrilling but far more sustainable. As I mature, I feel that what I need is that moderate, healthy, sustainable energy. That’s what makes me happy, what is healthy for my body and mind, and what feeds my soul. The deeper joy of vegetables is what I find myself looking for more and more.
Therefore, I am once again facing my pain of “abandoning,” my blog. I’m forgiving myself because it was all done with the purpose of creating my book, a dream that needed an intense amount of time and energy to be manifested. I’m making a new choice, the choice to begin posting again! So here I am, taking action on that choice.
Ilchi Lee often talks about the healing phrases of Ho’oponopono as being four phrases that can heal any relationship. I’d like to express those phrases to you now, in hopes that you will feel my heart:
I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.
I’d love to pick up our conversations where we left off. Please share with me about your emotional processes these days, your awakenings, your sorrows, your dreams. Let’s create a healing space together.